GO HOME!!!!!!!!!

Gentlemen:


Some of us girls are abuzz with some disturbing chatter! 

In the past few months or so, my girlfriends have expressed concerns to me and I as well personally have come across a common fallacy you make about some of us after sex.

Girls have sex for different reasons.  But sometimes it is quite the opposite - sometimes - we have sex for NO reason.   There doesn't have to be anything complicated about it.

I'm going to just flat out say it.  STOP thinking that it means something!  Use the common sense you should have by your late twenties at least - after having had experiences.  Sure, if you're 19 you may think sex is meaningful and yeah  - if you've been with somebody exclusively then think all you want of it...it probably is in a desiring and lovey kind of way.

BUT PLEASE.  Just listen because I have to tell you.  And ladies - some of you read too much into things too and it works both ways.


But to the boys - I'm giving you credit enough to be able to tell a drunk girl from a sober girl.  


If you go home with her and have sex - PLEASE - Stop reading into it!!!!!  I'm going to be blunt.  You are not some special guy different from the one 3 days ago.  Stop thinking she wanted to have sex with YOU.  If it was your best friend who came home with her instead - well - sorry - she'd likely have had sex with him.

Depending on level of drunkenness, of course - I mean - I wouldn't go having drunk sex with Herbert Homeless from the alley out back.  But my point is - there are too many fish in the sea, fellahs.

And again - ladies too - many ladies have ALWAYS made big deals out of things.  Yet it's a common misconception I think - that girls are the only ones who do it.  In m experience - GUYS do it all the time!!!!  ALL the time!

I am now entering my 6th month of being single (the longest I've ever been single since I started dating) and - let me say - just in the 6 months - guys are so latching.  Listen - sometimes I'm just BORED.  Sometimes I just want you to shut up so I can go to sleep and you are already there sleeping over.  I'm sorry to sound mean but it's TRUE.  When I do keep pushing you off of me and trying to sleep - you become even more annoying and I dislike you even more.  I mean maybe I was NEUTRAL or indifferent when you came stumbling in the front door with me ... maybe I wanted to like you - but then you go and ruin it by being PUSHY.

You are drunk too, so you probably don't realize how much of a turn-off it is to have to hear you say "COME ON."  Stop acting desperate.

And hey - maybe that's not how it goes down.   Maybe you come back together and you do it and the girl is willingly just as much into it as you are.  But so WHAT?  The next day - you think now you have a date that night?  Or the next?  For the past 4 years I've lived in Baltimore city I have had to actually come out and tell a guy "okay..so...you're gonna have to leave now."

You make me sound like a bitch.  Why are you staying?  What you think - now we're gonna spend the day on the couch together?  Don't you wanna go home and brush your teef and take a shower?  I mean you have britney on your penis!  Go home!

I used to use "TO GO" coffee cups as hints.  I'd make coffee before  8 or 9 and send you off on your way.  Kind of like a hint.  An "out" so that you wouldn't look dumb trying to make a day of it.  Ew it's like.  OKAY - I'm no longer DRUNK....I don't want to soberly sit here with you in the sex stank of last night.  I want to SHOWER.  And I don't want you there while I'm showering and then coming out getting ready for the day.  I don't want to soberly nakedly walk in the morning light while you still just lay there in my bed.  GO AWAY!



So again - since I have to seem like a bitch - I tell people the night before if I'm not too drunk to remember.  I actually say - "you have to leave by blah blah blah time."  My roommate and I have actually decided to make a SIGN...as a joke at first but now I'm thinking of really en-stating it - that "If You Come In After Midnight, You Have To Be Out By 8am."  I mean give or take.  If we both wake at 9..that's fine.  But please - get on with your life!  If I want to see you again then I will.  But go home and text me about it later. 


Plus now I need time to wash my bed clothes.  The only boy smell I like on my sheets/pillowcases are the familiar ones of exes.  And really there are only a few guys a girl wants to smell - IF ANY.


I will close with a recap:  DON'T MAKE A BRITNEY OUT OF A BRIT HOLE.  Remember - you wanted to have sex wayyyy more than us.  We just get bored sometimes.  Sometimes we are drunk and don't care but then the next day we wake up and while you are poking us trying to fuck again, we are simply thinking, "WOOF."



From time to time, there is a pene amongst penes we do end up actually enjoying.  But you will know it.  The relationships I've had that have lasted for years are the ones who I don't mind staying all day.  I've had 5 relationships that have been long (1 to 5 years) and those are the only ones I've ever wanted around.  So if you take ALL THE OTHER GUYS ... well - THAT'S A LOT of people I've had to ship out.





It doesn't have to be this way.  I will respect you a lot if you know the RULE.  Just do it without us having to tell you!  It's awkward to tell someone to leave your house after they've slept there.  I hate having to do it.  But I just don't understand why you linger!  I have a busy life and I need to wash the pillowcases so I can nap later that afternoon in freshness.


xo