Gentlemen:
Some of us girls are abuzz with some disturbing chatter!
In the past few months or so, my girlfriends have expressed concerns to me and I as well personally have come across a common fallacy you make about some of us after sex.
Girls have sex for different reasons. But sometimes it is quite the opposite - sometimes - we have sex for NO reason. There doesn't have to be anything complicated about it.
I'm going to just flat out say it. STOP thinking that it means something! Use the common sense you should have by your late twenties at least - after having had experiences. Sure, if you're 19 you may think sex is meaningful and yeah - if you've been with somebody exclusively then think all you want of it...it probably is in a desiring and lovey kind of way.
BUT PLEASE. Just listen because I have to tell you. And ladies - some of you read too much into things too and it works both ways.
But to the boys - I'm giving you credit enough to be able to tell a drunk girl from a sober girl.
If you go home with her and have sex - PLEASE - Stop reading into it!!!!! I'm going to be blunt. You are not some special guy different from the one 3 days ago. Stop thinking she wanted to have sex with YOU. If it was your best friend who came home with her instead - well - sorry - she'd likely have had sex with him.
Depending on level of drunkenness, of course - I mean - I wouldn't go having drunk sex with Herbert Homeless from the alley out back. But my point is - there are too many fish in the sea, fellahs.
And again - ladies too - many ladies have ALWAYS made big deals out of things. Yet it's a common misconception I think - that girls are the only ones who do it. In m experience - GUYS do it all the time!!!! ALL the time!
I am now entering my 6th month of being single (the longest I've ever been single since I started dating) and - let me say - just in the 6 months - guys are so latching. Listen - sometimes I'm just BORED. Sometimes I just want you to shut up so I can go to sleep and you are already there sleeping over. I'm sorry to sound mean but it's TRUE. When I do keep pushing you off of me and trying to sleep - you become even more annoying and I dislike you even more. I mean maybe I was NEUTRAL or indifferent when you came stumbling in the front door with me ... maybe I wanted to like you - but then you go and ruin it by being PUSHY.
You are drunk too, so you probably don't realize how much of a turn-off it is to have to hear you say "COME ON." Stop acting desperate.
And hey - maybe that's not how it goes down. Maybe you come back together and you do it and the girl is willingly just as much into it as you are. But so WHAT? The next day - you think now you have a date that night? Or the next? For the past 4 years I've lived in Baltimore city I have had to actually come out and tell a guy "okay..so...you're gonna have to leave now."
You make me sound like a bitch. Why are you staying? What you think - now we're gonna spend the day on the couch together? Don't you wanna go home and brush your teef and take a shower? I mean you have britney on your penis! Go home!
I used to use "TO GO" coffee cups as hints. I'd make coffee before 8 or 9 and send you off on your way. Kind of like a hint. An "out" so that you wouldn't look dumb trying to make a day of it. Ew it's like. OKAY - I'm no longer DRUNK....I don't want to soberly sit here with you in the sex stank of last night. I want to SHOWER. And I don't want you there while I'm showering and then coming out getting ready for the day. I don't want to soberly nakedly walk in the morning light while you still just lay there in my bed. GO AWAY!
So again - since I have to seem like a bitch - I tell people the night before if I'm not too drunk to remember. I actually say - "you have to leave by blah blah blah time." My roommate and I have actually decided to make a SIGN...as a joke at first but now I'm thinking of really en-stating it - that "If You Come In After Midnight, You Have To Be Out By 8am." I mean give or take. If we both wake at 9..that's fine. But please - get on with your life! If I want to see you again then I will. But go home and text me about it later.
Plus now I need time to wash my bed clothes. The only boy smell I like on my sheets/pillowcases are the familiar ones of exes. And really there are only a few guys a girl wants to smell - IF ANY.
I will close with a recap: DON'T MAKE A BRITNEY OUT OF A BRIT HOLE. Remember - you wanted to have sex wayyyy more than us. We just get bored sometimes. Sometimes we are drunk and don't care but then the next day we wake up and while you are poking us trying to fuck again, we are simply thinking, "WOOF."
From time to time, there is a pene amongst penes we do end up actually enjoying. But you will know it. The relationships I've had that have lasted for years are the ones who I don't mind staying all day. I've had 5 relationships that have been long (1 to 5 years) and those are the only ones I've ever wanted around. So if you take ALL THE OTHER GUYS ... well - THAT'S A LOT of people I've had to ship out.
It doesn't have to be this way. I will respect you a lot if you know the RULE. Just do it without us having to tell you! It's awkward to tell someone to leave your house after they've slept there. I hate having to do it. But I just don't understand why you linger! I have a busy life and I need to wash the pillowcases so I can nap later that afternoon in freshness.
xo
Monday, June 13, 2011
Unda Reconstruction. Be Patient But Not Jel.
It's been a bore lately, hmm? What happened to the blog?
I am here to tell ya. I have good reason.
With the exception of a few classic stories of the past - I've totally removed most of the posts from the blog.
I'm doing a permanent switch up. You'll see what I mean. It's going to be topic specific. It's no longer going to be "this is what I did last night" yadda yadda yadda.
With my laptop now out of commish, my book is kind of put on hold. I'm welcoming the break and focusing on this for a little bit.
It's still going to be about the experiences - it's still going to make you laugh - but - it's also going to stick to one topic each post. It's going to be organized. There also may be less use of the not-yet-universal "Laurbonix" language.
You will see what I mean. I need to be more general and less diary.
So be excited to once more have your daily morning laugh at work and have something fun to look forward to. I won't disappoint!!!!
I prom promise.
xo
management
I am here to tell ya. I have good reason.
With the exception of a few classic stories of the past - I've totally removed most of the posts from the blog.
I'm doing a permanent switch up. You'll see what I mean. It's going to be topic specific. It's no longer going to be "this is what I did last night" yadda yadda yadda.
With my laptop now out of commish, my book is kind of put on hold. I'm welcoming the break and focusing on this for a little bit.
It's still going to be about the experiences - it's still going to make you laugh - but - it's also going to stick to one topic each post. It's going to be organized. There also may be less use of the not-yet-universal "Laurbonix" language.
You will see what I mean. I need to be more general and less diary.
So be excited to once more have your daily morning laugh at work and have something fun to look forward to. I won't disappoint!!!!
I prom promise.
xo
management
Friday, May 20, 2011
The color of your pene: what does it all mean??
PENE: pronounced originally as "peen" - however - some of my girls like to say it like the pasta.. "pen ay." You can say it how you want but since I started it I agree with the original pronunciation.
So my girlfriend came to me with a question the other day regarding pene size.
I mean who else would anyone ask?
She was in Italy recently - where the statues always have huge penes. As she walked around she pondered such a question: "Does ethnicity have anything to do with pene size?"
Clearly the Italian penis is said to be generally large.
Furthermore, has anyone ever done any type of project on such a topic? I mean I'm sure in every girl's personal experience, she can think in her head about how perhaps black men have larger penes overall in relationship to white men. We each have our own "pene bank" - if you will - in our head of who had what.
Jewish pene has also been noted to be above average. But really??? I mean how can this be so?
Every girl has been with different men. I mean maybe one girl has been very lucky in the white guy department and seen a lot of large Caucasian pene. Or maybe there's a girl who has only seen tween pene in white guys. It all depends on personal experience.
But what about the big picture? How would we ever know? I don't think we really ever CAN know the answer to such a question.
I mean as much as we joke that I am a "floozie" - I am not going at bat for this one. I guess all we have is our own memories of penes past.
What's that? You wanna know mine? My own personal opinions based on my own experiences? Why - okay. Maybe I'll give you something.
WITHOUT having to share my "number" on here. Since really my PENE Number would be way larger than my Sex Number - since I haven't canoodled (had sex with) every single pene I've ever seen. I mean sometimes you may see a pene and not actually introduce it to your britney.
So I will say...the dark pene wins as far as large and in charge goes. HOWEVER - my white pene ratio by FAR exceeds my dark pene ratio and so I can't give a clear verdict. Then again, every one of my girlfriends would likely answer the same way - from what I know.
And guys ... really - it really is what you do with it. Although if there's not much of an "it" - you can't really do much anyway. So size does somewhat matter.
I feel really bad for small penes. I've come across one in my entire lifetime that I'd say was below average. I consider myself lucky.
It's like what can a guy do? You can't do a damn thing about it. You just have to hope someone falls in love with you for YOU. Or take claim to some sort of religious belief that you don't want to have sex til your married, and then the poor girl will just have to deal and you can hope she loves you enough to not care at that point.
But really how many couples wait? There are still a few brave souls out there who do. I commend you.
But I just gave a reason why you shouldn't.
Oh one more thing. The largest pene ever in my pene bank was indeed white. Perhaps some of my readers remember me talk last summer of the XXL that I was a-skurd of. I didn't want it when it poked me the following morning because it was all too much.
SO you see- there is a line to be drawn.
The only other thing I can offer up in my own experience is that the uncircumcised pene is a depressing one. I'm sorry. Makes me sad.
Listen just ... I know you're an adult but please for the good of everyone go get that taken care of. I found out the hard (yet not so "hard") way.
xo
So my girlfriend came to me with a question the other day regarding pene size.
I mean who else would anyone ask?
She was in Italy recently - where the statues always have huge penes. As she walked around she pondered such a question: "Does ethnicity have anything to do with pene size?"
Clearly the Italian penis is said to be generally large.
Furthermore, has anyone ever done any type of project on such a topic? I mean I'm sure in every girl's personal experience, she can think in her head about how perhaps black men have larger penes overall in relationship to white men. We each have our own "pene bank" - if you will - in our head of who had what.
Jewish pene has also been noted to be above average. But really??? I mean how can this be so?
Every girl has been with different men. I mean maybe one girl has been very lucky in the white guy department and seen a lot of large Caucasian pene. Or maybe there's a girl who has only seen tween pene in white guys. It all depends on personal experience.
But what about the big picture? How would we ever know? I don't think we really ever CAN know the answer to such a question.
I mean as much as we joke that I am a "floozie" - I am not going at bat for this one. I guess all we have is our own memories of penes past.
What's that? You wanna know mine? My own personal opinions based on my own experiences? Why - okay. Maybe I'll give you something.
WITHOUT having to share my "number" on here. Since really my PENE Number would be way larger than my Sex Number - since I haven't canoodled (had sex with) every single pene I've ever seen. I mean sometimes you may see a pene and not actually introduce it to your britney.
So I will say...the dark pene wins as far as large and in charge goes. HOWEVER - my white pene ratio by FAR exceeds my dark pene ratio and so I can't give a clear verdict. Then again, every one of my girlfriends would likely answer the same way - from what I know.
And guys ... really - it really is what you do with it. Although if there's not much of an "it" - you can't really do much anyway. So size does somewhat matter.
I feel really bad for small penes. I've come across one in my entire lifetime that I'd say was below average. I consider myself lucky.
It's like what can a guy do? You can't do a damn thing about it. You just have to hope someone falls in love with you for YOU. Or take claim to some sort of religious belief that you don't want to have sex til your married, and then the poor girl will just have to deal and you can hope she loves you enough to not care at that point.
But really how many couples wait? There are still a few brave souls out there who do. I commend you.
But I just gave a reason why you shouldn't.
Oh one more thing. The largest pene ever in my pene bank was indeed white. Perhaps some of my readers remember me talk last summer of the XXL that I was a-skurd of. I didn't want it when it poked me the following morning because it was all too much.
SO you see- there is a line to be drawn.
The only other thing I can offer up in my own experience is that the uncircumcised pene is a depressing one. I'm sorry. Makes me sad.
Listen just ... I know you're an adult but please for the good of everyone go get that taken care of. I found out the hard (yet not so "hard") way.
xo
Monday, January 17, 2011
unless you're the plumber...
I'm going to talk here about pee and dumb broads.
As a 12 year Catholic School Girl, I know a few thangs about the church. One is that Jesus doesn't like impatience or whores.
Going to the bathroom at the bar has become a complicated and dreaded chore.. Sometimes I wonder if I should just wear depends and pee sitting in my bar stool.
Girls have become full of anger, hatred, and argument. Sometimes it's valid but most of the time, not.
As a night on the weekend goes, we all get more and more idiotic and hammered. But can we all please stop KNOCKING ON THE DOOR when someone is trying to take a piss????
You KNOW the peeing is longer than a normal mid-day pee from your house. You just drank 3 beers and downed a cherry bomb. You're gonna have longer flow time. Give a girl in front of you a chance.
If a bish is not out after 3-4 minutes then yeah, maybe we may be understandably antsy. I mean right? You have to piss! The other 9 girls in line behind you have to piss too. But please allow a 1-2 minute grace period for the extra wasted girl whose pee is never-ending or who is too drunk to pull up her pants. Or maybe she is mid-drunk-text with an ex and she just has to finish this last word while squatting over the pee-infested pot.
Knocking ONLY ADDS PRESSURE and makes things worse and makes everyone angrier.
If a girl exceeds 5 total minutes in the bathroom and is alone, fuck her. She does deserve the hatred of the entire line. I also wouldn't be opposed to some sort of crucifixion.
I have wanted to stab a bitch before. One of these times is when I wait like everyone else for some fatty dropping a deuce, and there's no one behind me the entire time. Once I'm in, some wretched hooker starts pounding on the door. I mean I haven't even gotten my pants unzipped yet. I'm not even in position to pee and already someone's "KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKing!"
AND STOP TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR! I HEAR YOU OUT THERE LIKE AN INCOMPETENT BURGLAR TRYING TO PICK A LOCK! What the fuck are you even doing????
Bitch you don't know how long I waited and you don't know how long I been in here. Bad enough I have to smell someone else's poop and there's piss droplets all over the seat. So stand there and wait your effing turn until I'm done. I seriously want to punch bitches all the time.
Then when you come out they look at you like it wasn't them just pounding. The cowards just say nothing when you swing open the door with a furious stink face.
Other girls I wish to be electrocuted by a faulty hair straightener are the 2-3 girls that go in together and do not utilize the allotted acceptable time for going as a group. We know you are in there trying to hammerdly do your hair so stop thinking you are fooling anyone. We may all be drunk in line behind you but we know what you're up to in there.
You look just as bad and sloppy as when you went in most of the time anyway. I mean...it's 1am....if you are primping yourself for a guy he isn't gonna be particular anyway. You should worry more about your britney.
And stop peeing on the floor. You know who you are! Even when I've been pre-black out drunk I am not jogging laps around the bathroom with pee running down my legs.
Unless you have a legitimate reason to be pooping at the bar (there are only two valid reasons, and I won't say what one is because if you don't know you don't need to know, and the other is you drank a Corona), then you should go home or roll that turd back up and get your tab.
If you live more than 5 minutes away and you boody-hoo can't do that, then you shouldn't be at the bar anyway because you're one of those randoms we don't know and you should be going to your local bar and not taking up a good stool at ours during a sports game.
xo
As a 12 year Catholic School Girl, I know a few thangs about the church. One is that Jesus doesn't like impatience or whores.
Going to the bathroom at the bar has become a complicated and dreaded chore.. Sometimes I wonder if I should just wear depends and pee sitting in my bar stool.
Girls have become full of anger, hatred, and argument. Sometimes it's valid but most of the time, not.
As a night on the weekend goes, we all get more and more idiotic and hammered. But can we all please stop KNOCKING ON THE DOOR when someone is trying to take a piss????
You KNOW the peeing is longer than a normal mid-day pee from your house. You just drank 3 beers and downed a cherry bomb. You're gonna have longer flow time. Give a girl in front of you a chance.
If a bish is not out after 3-4 minutes then yeah, maybe we may be understandably antsy. I mean right? You have to piss! The other 9 girls in line behind you have to piss too. But please allow a 1-2 minute grace period for the extra wasted girl whose pee is never-ending or who is too drunk to pull up her pants. Or maybe she is mid-drunk-text with an ex and she just has to finish this last word while squatting over the pee-infested pot.
Knocking ONLY ADDS PRESSURE and makes things worse and makes everyone angrier.
If a girl exceeds 5 total minutes in the bathroom and is alone, fuck her. She does deserve the hatred of the entire line. I also wouldn't be opposed to some sort of crucifixion.
I have wanted to stab a bitch before. One of these times is when I wait like everyone else for some fatty dropping a deuce, and there's no one behind me the entire time. Once I'm in, some wretched hooker starts pounding on the door. I mean I haven't even gotten my pants unzipped yet. I'm not even in position to pee and already someone's "KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKing!"
AND STOP TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR! I HEAR YOU OUT THERE LIKE AN INCOMPETENT BURGLAR TRYING TO PICK A LOCK! What the fuck are you even doing????
Bitch you don't know how long I waited and you don't know how long I been in here. Bad enough I have to smell someone else's poop and there's piss droplets all over the seat. So stand there and wait your effing turn until I'm done. I seriously want to punch bitches all the time.
Then when you come out they look at you like it wasn't them just pounding. The cowards just say nothing when you swing open the door with a furious stink face.
Other girls I wish to be electrocuted by a faulty hair straightener are the 2-3 girls that go in together and do not utilize the allotted acceptable time for going as a group. We know you are in there trying to hammerdly do your hair so stop thinking you are fooling anyone. We may all be drunk in line behind you but we know what you're up to in there.
You look just as bad and sloppy as when you went in most of the time anyway. I mean...it's 1am....if you are primping yourself for a guy he isn't gonna be particular anyway. You should worry more about your britney.
And stop peeing on the floor. You know who you are! Even when I've been pre-black out drunk I am not jogging laps around the bathroom with pee running down my legs.
Unless you have a legitimate reason to be pooping at the bar (there are only two valid reasons, and I won't say what one is because if you don't know you don't need to know, and the other is you drank a Corona), then you should go home or roll that turd back up and get your tab.
If you live more than 5 minutes away and you boody-hoo can't do that, then you shouldn't be at the bar anyway because you're one of those randoms we don't know and you should be going to your local bar and not taking up a good stool at ours during a sports game.
xo
Friday, January 14, 2011
Bedazzled Penes
The following is really for all males. ALL. MALES. I feel this epidemic is common and serious enough for to be a story told, and hopefully it will raise awareness.
I'm talking about you and your penis pictures.
I've seen it a million times. I've seen it on my girlfriends' phones a million times. Heck, it's in the news and going on in high schools everywhere (a travesty).
I will state to you a fact plain and simple. Men, we don't have sex with you because we like the look of your penis. In fact, your penis has no allure whatsoever that makes us drawn to you sexually and we in fact would still have sex with you if your penis was teal (no one in her right mind likes that color on anything).
We do it because:
1) Sex feels good (if you are good at it).
2) It's the only way to reproduce
3) We want you to shut up sometimes and/or do something for us so we consider it payment.
So why do you send us penis pictures to our phones???? More importantly, WHO told you that this was desirable to us? What hooker somewhere pretended to like to view pictures of penes?
I remember the first penis pic I received. I was working at a little bit of an underground poker thing (so much you don't know about me) and this guy was tipping me well/requesting pix of me. I was like "HELL no.." and he kept trying to convince me to do so.....
Nice guy, but I mean...no. I mean I have sent naked stuff to my boyfriends before but people I trust (then again, now I don't trust some of them, so it shows how much I know)..
So in part of his attempt to get me to send him something, I suppose he must have thought it was some sort of an even trade (ha! even!!!??!?) and he, without WARNING...sends me a picture of his pene. His old, 40 year old balls and pene.
I was:
A) repulsed
B) amused
C) feeling like I was 5 again and should be punished on the couch for ten minutes for lookin at something like that.
D) pissed I was trapped into seeing it, without warning.
What was he trying to even do? I mean ... was I supposed to be like "OOOH, now that I see this, let me get the camera and prepare my britney for a photo shoot?"
If anything it made me hate that guy for catching me off guard and then the following weekends I would see him and just think of his stupid penis.
Besides, we SO don't care about that kind of stuff that we actually look in the pix and see other theengs. Here are so me true accounts:
One girlfriend showed us all one of a guy's pene but all we could all see and discuss was the croc shoes alongside the pene. Why were there crocs? Does he wear crocs? Maybe he does wear crocs since we did once see him using a murse.
Same girlfriend got a glorious background of Las Vegas in a pene pic. We were kind of pissed because we couldn't properly see the view because of THE HUGE BLACK COCK STARING US IN THE FACE.
We don't WANT your naked pictures!!! Why do you think there are far less male strip clubs in the world than women ones? I mean sure..because men are disgusting perverts but moreso - we don't CARE. We can see a pene whenever we WANT.
Seriously if I want to see a pene right here right now I can arrange it within the next half hour. It's NOT HARD. I don't need to see pix.
Also what do you think ? Do you think we're aroused??? I mean maybe there's some std'd hussy out there who is..........but i have YET to meet one. I highly doubt one exists. Even the worst of the worst.
I mean sure a well groomed pene is better than a non-groomed pene................but the same goes for a brit or any other part of your body really. But we don't need you to send us your penis pix via pix message! STOP THAT!!! STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES UPON NON-REQUEST!!
Dudes, on the other hand, request naked pictures ALL. THE.. TIME. It does something for them. I'm sorry but not one part of a dude will do anything for me in a picture. Guys will take leg, ass, brit, boobies. They don't care.
I mean can you imagine a girl asking a guy to send a nipple picture? Yeah can you go put on your favorite crocs and send me your ass pic......but please make sure I can see your penis hanging down through the middle of the ass........
Again I'm not opposed to me sending stuff to someone I love. I mean I won't deny that I have. I mean please, I have some Paris Hilton stuff out there. Hopefully not actually OUT THERE ...hopefully still nestled somewhere in a drawer or even if its still viewed (it is)...I trust that it isn't on "hollah at ya girl dot com.." (stop typing that in your browser, I just made it up)...
SEE? GUYS were just about to type that in. This proves my point exactly.
In conclusion, keep your pene to yourself and bring it out when we want you to. In person. Stop being such disgusting tools.
I'm talking about you and your penis pictures.
I've seen it a million times. I've seen it on my girlfriends' phones a million times. Heck, it's in the news and going on in high schools everywhere (a travesty).
I will state to you a fact plain and simple. Men, we don't have sex with you because we like the look of your penis. In fact, your penis has no allure whatsoever that makes us drawn to you sexually and we in fact would still have sex with you if your penis was teal (no one in her right mind likes that color on anything).
We do it because:
1) Sex feels good (if you are good at it).
2) It's the only way to reproduce
3) We want you to shut up sometimes and/or do something for us so we consider it payment.
So why do you send us penis pictures to our phones???? More importantly, WHO told you that this was desirable to us? What hooker somewhere pretended to like to view pictures of penes?
I remember the first penis pic I received. I was working at a little bit of an underground poker thing (so much you don't know about me) and this guy was tipping me well/requesting pix of me. I was like "HELL no.." and he kept trying to convince me to do so.....
Nice guy, but I mean...no. I mean I have sent naked stuff to my boyfriends before but people I trust (then again, now I don't trust some of them, so it shows how much I know)..
So in part of his attempt to get me to send him something, I suppose he must have thought it was some sort of an even trade (ha! even!!!??!?) and he, without WARNING...sends me a picture of his pene. His old, 40 year old balls and pene.
I was:
A) repulsed
B) amused
C) feeling like I was 5 again and should be punished on the couch for ten minutes for lookin at something like that.
D) pissed I was trapped into seeing it, without warning.
What was he trying to even do? I mean ... was I supposed to be like "OOOH, now that I see this, let me get the camera and prepare my britney for a photo shoot?"
If anything it made me hate that guy for catching me off guard and then the following weekends I would see him and just think of his stupid penis.
Besides, we SO don't care about that kind of stuff that we actually look in the pix and see other theengs. Here are so me true accounts:
One girlfriend showed us all one of a guy's pene but all we could all see and discuss was the croc shoes alongside the pene. Why were there crocs? Does he wear crocs? Maybe he does wear crocs since we did once see him using a murse.
Same girlfriend got a glorious background of Las Vegas in a pene pic. We were kind of pissed because we couldn't properly see the view because of THE HUGE BLACK COCK STARING US IN THE FACE.
We don't WANT your naked pictures!!! Why do you think there are far less male strip clubs in the world than women ones? I mean sure..because men are disgusting perverts but moreso - we don't CARE. We can see a pene whenever we WANT.
Seriously if I want to see a pene right here right now I can arrange it within the next half hour. It's NOT HARD. I don't need to see pix.
Also what do you think ? Do you think we're aroused??? I mean maybe there's some std'd hussy out there who is..........but i have YET to meet one. I highly doubt one exists. Even the worst of the worst.
I mean sure a well groomed pene is better than a non-groomed pene................but the same goes for a brit or any other part of your body really. But we don't need you to send us your penis pix via pix message! STOP THAT!!! STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES UPON NON-REQUEST!!
Dudes, on the other hand, request naked pictures ALL. THE.. TIME. It does something for them. I'm sorry but not one part of a dude will do anything for me in a picture. Guys will take leg, ass, brit, boobies. They don't care.
I mean can you imagine a girl asking a guy to send a nipple picture? Yeah can you go put on your favorite crocs and send me your ass pic......but please make sure I can see your penis hanging down through the middle of the ass........
Again I'm not opposed to me sending stuff to someone I love. I mean I won't deny that I have. I mean please, I have some Paris Hilton stuff out there. Hopefully not actually OUT THERE ...hopefully still nestled somewhere in a drawer or even if its still viewed (it is)...I trust that it isn't on "hollah at ya girl dot com.." (stop typing that in your browser, I just made it up)...
SEE? GUYS were just about to type that in. This proves my point exactly.
In conclusion, keep your pene to yourself and bring it out when we want you to. In person. Stop being such disgusting tools.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
AMENDMENT brought to my attention this morning during the BIG PHAT football game
Apologies. I made a huge blunder on my previous post. It's actually called "Big Phat Apple Bottom Bootys 9."
I apologize to the "movie" creators as well as the whores in the movie whose britnies you can see hanging out of their ass when they bend over.
Also since I am on the subject, I'm sorry you probably all have STDs.
xo
I apologize to the "movie" creators as well as the whores in the movie whose britnies you can see hanging out of their ass when they bend over.
Also since I am on the subject, I'm sorry you probably all have STDs.
xo
stop bringing your porn to my house and leaving it in the dvd player
I'm not going to say Happy New Year here. I typed it, then I deleted it. Because it's a bore and everyone says it and it's just one of those sayings like "How are you?" You expect a "fine" and that's it. So I won't waste our time.
Plus I am all about me this new year, not you. I want me to have a good year more than I want you to. I mean I hope you do, but really I am most concerned about mine and me. I mean I'm just being honest.
I hope I meet an oustanding dood or maybe I already know some outstanding dood and he will show me just how outstanding he is. Outstanding.
Out. Stand. Ing.
So on my "SOBER" New Year's Eve .. well here is what happened:
1) I ate food as if I were a starved cow.
2) I did not feel bad or any weight gain because I weigh 115 pounds and I didn't eat the two days prior. So you kind of like can "X" out and cross out days and even yourself out with that kind of diet. It isn't even hard if you are poor and/or you substitute in other ways.
3) We (I) decided we'd watch GONE WITH THE WIND. I felt like a nerd not only suggesting, but producing the box DVD set from my duffel bag. OVERNIGHT DUFFEL BAG. HAY GIRL! IT WAS A SLUMBER PARTY! Yer so jel you weren't there.
4) You WERE jel. I mean HELLO. Slumber party with meeeeeeeeeeeeee. PJs.
5) I was minding my own bidness sorting out my M&Ms into red and green piles after handing her DISC 1 and my girlfriend's concerned hand came back into view, holding "DISC 1" but NO, not "DISC 1."
6) Girlfriend: "Um, LAURIE??" (I thought she was holding the same disc I handed her originally, but she'd found this one in the dvd player upon opening it).
I look down, and see "APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9" in print overtop a total of 6 ass cheeks, 3 asses. One ass is slightly larger than the back two, and three whorish faces above turned around facing me like they were ready for some sex.
7) This can only really be re-enacted properly in person, as we did in the middle of Macy's this afternoon for another girlfriend...but...my reaction, and I just..I don't know...my reaction was automatically:
"IT'S NOT MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
8) My girlfriend was all, "OF COURSE it's not yours!"
9) Still thinking it came from my DVD box, I began thinking of which one of my 2 former roommates or my ex had stuck APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9 into my GONE WITH THE WIND dvd box set while I wasn't home or as a joke as she began to cross out names in her head of the fellahs she'd had slumbering here.
10) After realizing it was already in the player, I for a few seconds questioned the other uses of the luxurious blanket I'd been sitting on and loving from Korea that looked as it had been skinned from a glorious fluffy beige buffalo...but I would assume most guys just use a towel or a kleenex or something.
11) My GF pretty much knew who it was immediately, though I questioned about others.
12) Questions and confusion further about why I was so defensive and scared she would think it was my APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9 in the dvd player ensued.
13) I think I'm just used to being blamed/at fault/defensive.
14) Questions also can be noted for WHY WOULD YOU TRAVEL WITH YOUR PORN? and WHO DOES THAT? and WHAT IF SOMEONE WOULD HAVE OPENED THE DVD PLAYER DURING THE CHRISTMAS PARTY? and WHAT IF A 12 YEAR OLD COUSIN HAD OPENED IT and many more times WHO TRAVELS WITH THEIR PORN!?!?!?!?!
I mean come on men, can't it wait? I don't care if you own porn and watch it in your own home I mean DUH...but dude! You needed to bring it over while girlfriend was at work!? And you live elsewhere!?
15) No, she didn't have a 5 disc changer in which possibilities of APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 8 or 10 would have been in the switcheroo cycle. I asked.
16) The hilarious event was further discussed and also texts and pix messages and emails were of course sent, as long as reminders as I would go for another piece of pizza but not before removing APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9 from the top of the pizza box, where the 3 floozies looked at me asking if I wanted some ass.
17) I do like Rhett Butler. I don't like how he resembles Tom Selleck. There's no physical attraction but I like the man behind the half ass stache.
There are so many parallels in GONE WITH THE WIND and I think everyone needs to watch it and suck it up that it's 4 hours. There's a history lesson to be learned and also it represents the evil male and how boys say theengs and don't follow through on them. And how it's too little to late sometimes for evil females to realize they manipulated far too many times. Also there's a prostitute in it which is fun. And boozing.
18) I sat there watching EAT PRAY LOVE as my gf snoozed with her dog and I tried to get into this GETTING OVER IT mindset. I thought .. this is a GOOD NEW YEAR'S movie to watch (I'd never seen it..but you know..it seemed like one of those inspiring "HAAAY GIRRRRL" movies). I sat there and was like "ok, get into this, this is you, you are going to get back to basics, start over, find yourself. "FIND YERSELF GIRRRL."
Instead I finished off an entire bottle of bubbly and every time I looked back at my gf sleeping I thought how much more appealing sleep would be then to be watching this movie pretending to be how Julia Robers was. But I mean I thought there was an awful message when she was all "EAT WHAT YOU WANT. GAIN TEN POUNDS. WHEN A GUY SEES YOU NAKED HE DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED HE'S JUST GLAD YOU R THERE NAKED WITH HIM."
Um hello!? I mean you'd already know if the guy is into the bigger girl if he is already with you but I mean DUH some girls trick boys into thinking they are flat skinny when they really aren't. Just like makeup can do wonders.
Anyway I thought it was an icky message to be sending. It was like she secretly hated the other chick and was like "EAT THE FOOD. GET FAT. HE WON'T CARE." UM yes he will..if he liked you SKINNY before he's not going to like you to suddenly get fat. I mean that's not nice.
I forgot what number I am on.
I will just continue bc I don't feel like scrolling up.
The one part ..and I don't know if it was that I had finally gotten involved in the movie and applied it to me OR if it was because I was one glass shy of finishing that champagne bottle BUT....this old dood was like:
"Learn to believe you can love again."
...or something like that...or like..."Believe you will love again" or WHATEVER but you get the jist. The jizz.
My gf had something come on the side of her sweet potato fries today at dinner that looked like jizz.
ANYWAY ......
So that part made me all WELL YEAH, sometimes we girls think it's the end of the world, we will never be in love again, he was THE ONE.
But yanno, I mean there are a few theengs:
1) Time does get you through it. I mean unless you can somehow live stuck in one time forever. And I'm too fantastic for that. And if you are someone who dwells on that stuff forever, people will get tired of hearing your same old boring feel-sorry-for-myself stories and ignore you and stop inviting you out because you are a bad time.
2) You fuck everyone (which is overrated and becomes a bore and no one wants the herp) and become distracted.
3) You just move on. Someone else makes you forget about the someone you thought you'd never forget.
So even though I thought my ex was THE ONE (or I wouldn't have tried twice getting back together) I'd like someone to prove me otherwise.
DUH ..this will happen but good grief it isn't even hard.
ALL WE ASK FOR IS THAT GUYS FOLLOW UP WORDS WITH ACTION. I can tell you I'm going to build you a stripper pole and dance for you every night but that is a major and complete BORE if all I do is say I'm gonna do it.
Stop saying it and fucking DO it.
So let's see if I follow my "single for at least 6 months" thing. Perhaps I shall borrow APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9 til June.
My gf may burn all the remains left behind here of the toolbox loser who f'd around on her life with lies and deceit. In a similar (and less violent) way, I have burned from my mind this weekend not the memories..there will always be memories...but the STRESS and WONDER and WORRY of all that went along with something I tried way too hard to save when someone else wasn't willing to do the same.
I didn't really follow up with much more from what happened NYE..but...I will include that this morning when I kept waking up and texting my gf (who was up and downstairs) "30 more minutes..I'll get up soon..." like I was getting up for school ten years ago or something and she was my mother hurrying me along....
It's bad enough we have all at one time or another left our phones with our friends (never works) or turned them off (also never works) .......revolving our lives around NOT thinking of "him" whoever "he" is.....because we know we will get shit show drunk and embarrass ourselves.....
this morning I texted her from my guest bed, "ew I had a dream about 'him...'" and her response was "maybe you just shouldn't sleep then!"
SO TO AVOID THINKING OF THESE BOYS WE NOW HAVE TO REFRAIN FROM SLEEP?!?!
No! I mean the dream was honestly an uncontrolled thing, I am doing quite fine getting along lately. I keep remembering the big picture and how I need a grown man and not a boy.
BUT ANYWAY, I refuse to give up sleep, my phone, my brit.
You think those boys are sitting there pining? Losing sleep? My ex has been snoring louder than life these days and he isn't thinking about what went wrong.
I know far too many women lately who have had their hearts broken. Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrl stop being sad and go have sex with someone else. If anything, go take care of your brit. Get you a wax. Get you some new fragrances. Go to VS. See if Apple Bottom Booty 10 is out yet.
xo
Plus I am all about me this new year, not you. I want me to have a good year more than I want you to. I mean I hope you do, but really I am most concerned about mine and me. I mean I'm just being honest.
I hope I meet an oustanding dood or maybe I already know some outstanding dood and he will show me just how outstanding he is. Outstanding.
Out. Stand. Ing.
So on my "SOBER" New Year's Eve .. well here is what happened:
1) I ate food as if I were a starved cow.
2) I did not feel bad or any weight gain because I weigh 115 pounds and I didn't eat the two days prior. So you kind of like can "X" out and cross out days and even yourself out with that kind of diet. It isn't even hard if you are poor and/or you substitute in other ways.
3) We (I) decided we'd watch GONE WITH THE WIND. I felt like a nerd not only suggesting, but producing the box DVD set from my duffel bag. OVERNIGHT DUFFEL BAG. HAY GIRL! IT WAS A SLUMBER PARTY! Yer so jel you weren't there.
4) You WERE jel. I mean HELLO. Slumber party with meeeeeeeeeeeeee. PJs.
5) I was minding my own bidness sorting out my M&Ms into red and green piles after handing her DISC 1 and my girlfriend's concerned hand came back into view, holding "DISC 1" but NO, not "DISC 1."
6) Girlfriend: "Um, LAURIE??" (I thought she was holding the same disc I handed her originally, but she'd found this one in the dvd player upon opening it).
I look down, and see "APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9" in print overtop a total of 6 ass cheeks, 3 asses. One ass is slightly larger than the back two, and three whorish faces above turned around facing me like they were ready for some sex.
7) This can only really be re-enacted properly in person, as we did in the middle of Macy's this afternoon for another girlfriend...but...my reaction, and I just..I don't know...my reaction was automatically:
"IT'S NOT MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
8) My girlfriend was all, "OF COURSE it's not yours!"
9) Still thinking it came from my DVD box, I began thinking of which one of my 2 former roommates or my ex had stuck APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9 into my GONE WITH THE WIND dvd box set while I wasn't home or as a joke as she began to cross out names in her head of the fellahs she'd had slumbering here.
10) After realizing it was already in the player, I for a few seconds questioned the other uses of the luxurious blanket I'd been sitting on and loving from Korea that looked as it had been skinned from a glorious fluffy beige buffalo...but I would assume most guys just use a towel or a kleenex or something.
11) My GF pretty much knew who it was immediately, though I questioned about others.
12) Questions and confusion further about why I was so defensive and scared she would think it was my APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9 in the dvd player ensued.
13) I think I'm just used to being blamed/at fault/defensive.
14) Questions also can be noted for WHY WOULD YOU TRAVEL WITH YOUR PORN? and WHO DOES THAT? and WHAT IF SOMEONE WOULD HAVE OPENED THE DVD PLAYER DURING THE CHRISTMAS PARTY? and WHAT IF A 12 YEAR OLD COUSIN HAD OPENED IT and many more times WHO TRAVELS WITH THEIR PORN!?!?!?!?!
I mean come on men, can't it wait? I don't care if you own porn and watch it in your own home I mean DUH...but dude! You needed to bring it over while girlfriend was at work!? And you live elsewhere!?
15) No, she didn't have a 5 disc changer in which possibilities of APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 8 or 10 would have been in the switcheroo cycle. I asked.
16) The hilarious event was further discussed and also texts and pix messages and emails were of course sent, as long as reminders as I would go for another piece of pizza but not before removing APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9 from the top of the pizza box, where the 3 floozies looked at me asking if I wanted some ass.
17) I do like Rhett Butler. I don't like how he resembles Tom Selleck. There's no physical attraction but I like the man behind the half ass stache.
There are so many parallels in GONE WITH THE WIND and I think everyone needs to watch it and suck it up that it's 4 hours. There's a history lesson to be learned and also it represents the evil male and how boys say theengs and don't follow through on them. And how it's too little to late sometimes for evil females to realize they manipulated far too many times. Also there's a prostitute in it which is fun. And boozing.
18) I sat there watching EAT PRAY LOVE as my gf snoozed with her dog and I tried to get into this GETTING OVER IT mindset. I thought .. this is a GOOD NEW YEAR'S movie to watch (I'd never seen it..but you know..it seemed like one of those inspiring "HAAAY GIRRRRL" movies). I sat there and was like "ok, get into this, this is you, you are going to get back to basics, start over, find yourself. "FIND YERSELF GIRRRL."
Instead I finished off an entire bottle of bubbly and every time I looked back at my gf sleeping I thought how much more appealing sleep would be then to be watching this movie pretending to be how Julia Robers was. But I mean I thought there was an awful message when she was all "EAT WHAT YOU WANT. GAIN TEN POUNDS. WHEN A GUY SEES YOU NAKED HE DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED HE'S JUST GLAD YOU R THERE NAKED WITH HIM."
Um hello!? I mean you'd already know if the guy is into the bigger girl if he is already with you but I mean DUH some girls trick boys into thinking they are flat skinny when they really aren't. Just like makeup can do wonders.
Anyway I thought it was an icky message to be sending. It was like she secretly hated the other chick and was like "EAT THE FOOD. GET FAT. HE WON'T CARE." UM yes he will..if he liked you SKINNY before he's not going to like you to suddenly get fat. I mean that's not nice.
I forgot what number I am on.
I will just continue bc I don't feel like scrolling up.
The one part ..and I don't know if it was that I had finally gotten involved in the movie and applied it to me OR if it was because I was one glass shy of finishing that champagne bottle BUT....this old dood was like:
"Learn to believe you can love again."
...or something like that...or like..."Believe you will love again" or WHATEVER but you get the jist. The jizz.
My gf had something come on the side of her sweet potato fries today at dinner that looked like jizz.
ANYWAY ......
So that part made me all WELL YEAH, sometimes we girls think it's the end of the world, we will never be in love again, he was THE ONE.
But yanno, I mean there are a few theengs:
1) Time does get you through it. I mean unless you can somehow live stuck in one time forever. And I'm too fantastic for that. And if you are someone who dwells on that stuff forever, people will get tired of hearing your same old boring feel-sorry-for-myself stories and ignore you and stop inviting you out because you are a bad time.
2) You fuck everyone (which is overrated and becomes a bore and no one wants the herp) and become distracted.
3) You just move on. Someone else makes you forget about the someone you thought you'd never forget.
So even though I thought my ex was THE ONE (or I wouldn't have tried twice getting back together) I'd like someone to prove me otherwise.
DUH ..this will happen but good grief it isn't even hard.
ALL WE ASK FOR IS THAT GUYS FOLLOW UP WORDS WITH ACTION. I can tell you I'm going to build you a stripper pole and dance for you every night but that is a major and complete BORE if all I do is say I'm gonna do it.
Stop saying it and fucking DO it.
So let's see if I follow my "single for at least 6 months" thing. Perhaps I shall borrow APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9 til June.
My gf may burn all the remains left behind here of the toolbox loser who f'd around on her life with lies and deceit. In a similar (and less violent) way, I have burned from my mind this weekend not the memories..there will always be memories...but the STRESS and WONDER and WORRY of all that went along with something I tried way too hard to save when someone else wasn't willing to do the same.
I didn't really follow up with much more from what happened NYE..but...I will include that this morning when I kept waking up and texting my gf (who was up and downstairs) "30 more minutes..I'll get up soon..." like I was getting up for school ten years ago or something and she was my mother hurrying me along....
It's bad enough we have all at one time or another left our phones with our friends (never works) or turned them off (also never works) .......revolving our lives around NOT thinking of "him" whoever "he" is.....because we know we will get shit show drunk and embarrass ourselves.....
this morning I texted her from my guest bed, "ew I had a dream about 'him...'" and her response was "maybe you just shouldn't sleep then!"
SO TO AVOID THINKING OF THESE BOYS WE NOW HAVE TO REFRAIN FROM SLEEP?!?!
No! I mean the dream was honestly an uncontrolled thing, I am doing quite fine getting along lately. I keep remembering the big picture and how I need a grown man and not a boy.
BUT ANYWAY, I refuse to give up sleep, my phone, my brit.
You think those boys are sitting there pining? Losing sleep? My ex has been snoring louder than life these days and he isn't thinking about what went wrong.
I know far too many women lately who have had their hearts broken. Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrl stop being sad and go have sex with someone else. If anything, go take care of your brit. Get you a wax. Get you some new fragrances. Go to VS. See if Apple Bottom Booty 10 is out yet.
xo
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