stop bringing your porn to my house and leaving it in the dvd player

I'm not going to say Happy New Year here.   I typed it, then I deleted it.  Because it's a bore and everyone says it and it's just one of those sayings like "How are you?" You expect a "fine" and that's it.  So I won't waste our time.


Plus I am all about me this new year, not you.  I want me to have a good year more than I want you to.  I mean I hope you do, but really I am most concerned about mine and me.  I mean I'm just being honest.

I hope I meet an oustanding dood or maybe I already know some outstanding dood and he will show me just how outstanding he is.  Outstanding.

Out. Stand. Ing.

So on my "SOBER" New Year's Eve .. well here is what happened:
1)  I ate food as if I were a starved cow.
2)  I did not feel bad or any weight gain because I weigh 115 pounds and I didn't eat the two days prior.  So you kind of like can "X" out and cross out days and even yourself out with that kind of diet.  It isn't even hard if you are poor and/or you substitute in other ways.
3)  We (I) decided we'd watch GONE WITH THE WIND.  I felt like a nerd not only suggesting, but producing the box DVD set from my duffel bag.  OVERNIGHT DUFFEL BAG.  HAY GIRL!  IT WAS A SLUMBER PARTY!  Yer so jel you weren't there.
4) You WERE jel.  I mean HELLO.  Slumber party with meeeeeeeeeeeeee.  PJs.
5)  I was minding my own bidness sorting out my M&Ms into red and green piles after handing her DISC 1 and my girlfriend's concerned hand came back into view, holding "DISC 1" but NO, not "DISC 1."


6)  Girlfriend:  "Um, LAURIE??"  (I thought she was holding the same disc I handed her originally, but she'd found this one in the dvd player upon opening it).

I look down, and see "APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9" in print overtop a total of 6 ass cheeks, 3 asses.  One ass is slightly larger than the back two, and three whorish faces above turned around facing me like they were ready for some sex.

7)  This can only really be re-enacted properly in person, as we did in the middle of Macy's this afternoon for another girlfriend...but...my reaction, and I just..I don't know...my reaction was automatically:

"IT'S NOT MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

8)  My girlfriend was all, "OF COURSE it's not yours!" 
9)   Still thinking it came from my DVD box, I began thinking of which one of my 2 former roommates or my ex had stuck APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9 into my GONE WITH THE WIND dvd box set while I wasn't home or as a joke as she began to cross out names in her head of the fellahs she'd had slumbering here.
10)  After realizing it was already in the player, I for a few seconds questioned the other uses of the luxurious blanket I'd been sitting on and loving from Korea that looked as it had been skinned from a glorious fluffy beige buffalo...but I would assume most guys just use a towel or a kleenex or something.
11)  My GF pretty much knew who it was immediately, though I questioned about others.
12)  Questions and confusion further about why I was so defensive and scared she would think it was my APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9 in the dvd player ensued.
13)  I think I'm just used to being blamed/at fault/defensive. 
14)  Questions also can be noted for WHY WOULD YOU TRAVEL WITH YOUR PORN? and WHO DOES THAT?  and WHAT IF SOMEONE WOULD HAVE OPENED THE DVD PLAYER DURING THE CHRISTMAS PARTY? and WHAT IF A 12 YEAR OLD COUSIN HAD OPENED IT and many more times WHO TRAVELS WITH THEIR PORN!?!?!?!?! 

I mean come on men, can't it wait?  I don't care if you own porn and watch it in your own home I mean DUH...but dude!  You needed to bring it over while girlfriend was at work!?  And you live elsewhere!? 

15)  No, she didn't have a 5 disc changer in which possibilities of APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 8 or 10 would have been in the switcheroo cycle.  I asked.

16) The hilarious event was further discussed and also texts and pix messages and emails were of course sent, as long as reminders as I would go for another piece of pizza but not before removing APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9 from the top of the pizza box, where the 3 floozies looked at me asking if I wanted some ass.

17)  I do like Rhett Butler.  I don't like how he resembles Tom Selleck.  There's no physical attraction but I like the man behind the half ass stache. 

There are so many parallels in GONE WITH THE WIND and I think everyone needs to watch it and suck it up that it's 4 hours.  There's a history lesson to be learned and also it represents the evil male and how boys say theengs and don't follow through on them.  And how it's too little to late sometimes for evil females to realize they manipulated far too many times.  Also there's a prostitute in it which is fun.  And boozing.

18)  I sat there watching EAT PRAY LOVE as my gf snoozed with her dog and I tried to get into this GETTING OVER IT mindset.  I thought .. this is a GOOD NEW YEAR'S movie to watch (I'd never seen it..but you know..it seemed like one of those inspiring "HAAAY GIRRRRL" movies).  I sat there and was like "ok, get into this, this is you, you are going to get back to basics, start over, find yourself.  "FIND YERSELF GIRRRL."

Instead I finished off an entire bottle of bubbly and every time I looked back at my gf sleeping I thought how much more appealing sleep would be then to be watching this movie pretending to be how Julia Robers was.  But I mean I thought there was an awful message when she was all "EAT WHAT YOU WANT.  GAIN TEN POUNDS.  WHEN  A GUY SEES YOU NAKED HE DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED HE'S JUST GLAD YOU R THERE NAKED WITH HIM."

Um hello!?  I mean you'd already know if the guy is into the bigger girl if he is already with you but I mean DUH some girls trick boys into thinking they are flat skinny when they really aren't.  Just like makeup can do wonders. 

Anyway I thought it was an icky message to be sending.  It was like she secretly hated the other chick and was like "EAT THE FOOD.  GET FAT.  HE WON'T CARE."  UM yes he will..if he liked you SKINNY before he's not going to like you to suddenly get fat.  I mean that's not nice.

I forgot what number I am on.

I will just continue bc I don't feel like scrolling up.

The one part ..and I don't know if it was that I had finally gotten involved in the movie and applied it to me OR if it was because I was one glass shy of finishing that champagne bottle BUT....this old dood was like:

"Learn to believe you can love again."

...or something like that...or like..."Believe you will love again" or WHATEVER but you get the jist.  The jizz. 

My gf had something come on the side of her sweet potato fries today at dinner that looked like jizz.


ANYWAY ......

So that part made me all WELL YEAH, sometimes we girls think it's the end of the world, we will never be in love again, he was THE ONE.

But yanno, I mean there are a few theengs:
1) Time does get you through it.  I mean unless you can somehow live stuck in one time forever.  And I'm too fantastic for that.  And if you are someone who dwells on that stuff forever, people will get tired of hearing your same old boring feel-sorry-for-myself stories and ignore you and stop inviting you out because you are a bad time.
2)  You fuck everyone (which is overrated and becomes a bore and no one wants the herp) and become distracted.
3)  You just move on.  Someone else makes you forget about the someone you thought you'd never forget.


So even though I thought my ex was THE ONE (or I wouldn't have tried twice getting back together) I'd like someone to prove me otherwise.

DUH ..this will happen but good grief it isn't even hard.

ALL WE ASK FOR IS THAT GUYS FOLLOW UP WORDS WITH ACTION.  I can tell you I'm going to build you a stripper pole and dance for you every night but that is a major and complete BORE if all I do is say I'm gonna do it.

Stop saying it and fucking  DO it.

So let's see if I follow my "single for at least 6 months" thing.  Perhaps I shall borrow APPLE BOTTOM BOOTIES 9 til June. 

My gf may burn all the remains left behind here of the toolbox loser who f'd around on her life with lies and deceit.  In a similar (and less violent) way, I have burned from my mind this weekend not the memories..there will always be memories...but the STRESS and WONDER and WORRY of all that went along with something I tried way too hard to save when someone else wasn't willing to do the same.


I didn't really follow up with much more from what happened NYE..but...I will include that this morning when I kept waking up and texting my gf (who was up and downstairs) "30 more minutes..I'll get up soon..." like I was getting up for school ten years ago or something and she was my mother hurrying me along....


It's bad enough we have all at one time or another left our phones with our friends (never works) or turned them off (also never works) .......revolving our lives around NOT thinking of "him" whoever "he" is.....because we know we will get shit show drunk and embarrass ourselves.....

this morning I texted her from my guest bed, "ew I had a dream about 'him...'"  and her response was "maybe you just shouldn't sleep then!"

SO TO AVOID THINKING OF THESE BOYS WE NOW HAVE TO REFRAIN FROM SLEEP?!?!

No!  I mean the dream was honestly an uncontrolled thing, I am doing quite fine getting along lately.  I keep remembering the big picture and how I need a grown man and not a boy.

BUT ANYWAY, I refuse to give up sleep, my phone, my brit. 

You think those boys are sitting there pining?  Losing sleep?  My ex has been snoring louder than life these days and he isn't thinking about what went wrong. 


I know far too many women lately who have had their hearts broken.  Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrl stop  being sad and go have sex with someone else.  If anything, go take care of your brit.  Get you a wax.  Get you some new fragrances.  Go to VS.  See if Apple Bottom Booty 10 is out yet. 




xo