Most of us have had them. Right? Not everyone I’m sure. But MOST of us have had one (or ten) randos who we look back upon. Some we regret, some we relive in our heads, some we repeat.
Wait – repeat? No. You can’t repeat a One Night Stand. Why not? Because then it no longer can be dubbed a One Night Stand. Now it’s a Two Night Stand. Or Three. Or however many more times you want to fuck that person. But it is not nor will it ever be – a One Night Stand – if you can’t just keep it an anonymous, one night fling. This is where the rules begin-
RULES for ONE NIGHT STAND:
There are NO exceptions to these rules!!! NONE!!! Any person who doesn’t get it should not even be having sex with anyone.
- One night stand is only ONE NIGHT.
- No numbers should be exchanged.
- If you must exchange names (which isn’t unreasonable given when you meet someone you usually do) you do not give last names.
- Kissing this person is probably not desirable but to each his own.
- After the sex, no questions should be asked unless it’s “Where’s the bathroom?” or “Do you have a towel?” Neither party should be asking where the other lives, what schools they went to, what they do for a living, or what their favorite frickin’ color is. NOTHING.
- Morning sex is PROHIBITED. Going to sleep for 4 hours and having sex when you wake up is not in any way part of the ONE NIGHT STAND. It then becomes some sort of extra involvement. If one or more parties is even INTERESTED in morning sex, it means someone liked it too much or someone didn’t get the ONE NIGHT STAND MEMO OF UNDERSTANDING the night before (O.N.S.M.O.U. to be explained later). If you want to have sex again SOBER then you are already not getting it. IT WAS ONE NIGHT. No such thing as a Next Day Stand. Only Next Day Blinds. And if you’re having Next Day Stands, then you should get Next Day Blinds delivered because you shouldn’t want anyone to see you in the window HAVING A NEXT DAY STAND bc you don’t get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- ABSOLUTELY NO NUMBERS EXCHANGED! Ladies, if he asks you for the digits, give him the wrong ones. I know girls don’t like to hurt feelings. Guys, if she asks, RUN. RUN FAR AWAY bc many girls don’t get it. Haven’t you seen "He’s Just Not That Into You?” She will cling to you STAGE ONE CLINGER-style. Do not tell her any of your information. Girls are nuts.
- 9am ROLL CALL – TIME TO GO! I feel that I am very generous in even giving a 9am “there’s the door” ROLL CALL. You gots to go. You (and your wingman or whoever is on the couch) don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. You should probably go to Burger King like I do and talk about the One Night Stand and have a few good laughs. That’s what we girls do. We eat fatty food and laugh about your pene, talk about yay or nay on the size of it, etc. Some people make you leave even earlier than that. Some make you leave IMMEDIATELY after the sex. I am kind and don’t want any drunk driving so you can sleep it off a little.
- NO SNUGGLING.
- NO SPOONING.
- NO BREATHING ON EACH OTHER
- STOP JABBING ME with your PENE the next MORNING. I am sorry you still want to have sex but I don’t like things up my hiney. Do you like things up yours? Right. Well my gay friends may answer yes to that but no one else is supposed to be liking it.
--This shiz should have to be SIGNED by both parties if people really are so socially retarded for it to even be mentioned but it definitely has to be. I know this because I have had people who would stay the entire DAY if I let them. I am so nice that sometimes I will make coffee and offer you some. But it’s FOR YOUR COMMUTE to work/home. Please, just GO--
The ONSMOU states that both parties are in agreement that this is for one night. ONE NIGHT ONLY. The type of sex conducted may vary, depending on the parties involved. You are most likely drunk and don’t need to remember names. The female involved should tell at least one person in her group where she is going/who with, so as to avoid Natalie Hollaway-style scandal. Guys, make sure she doesn’t tell the “We Gotta Go Girl” because if she tells THAT girl, then the One Night Stand you’ve been grounding all night isn’t happening anymore and you may’ve even wasted money on dranks. But you’re retarded anyway for paying for them so you deserve the bank loss.
DO NOT HAVE ONE NIGHT STAND IF:
The girl:
A) …has recently broken up with her boyfriend or is “in the middle of a divorce,” be aware that she may indeed be in need of the attention of a One Night Stand to feel happy about herself again, BUT, that many girls do NOT KNOW the ONSMOU and she may be a CLINGER. Avoid Clingers at all costs. They do not GET what a One Night Stand is, and they never EVER will. If you meet one (you will know bc she will be in tears and confiding in 1-2 other girlfriends at a table with a lot of empty glasses) – do not approach.
B) …is wearing something that leaves absolutely no mystery, she is a WHORE. Whores are great at understanding what a One Night Stand is, and the ONSMOU is definitely not a problem for them – but – if you see such a girl – AVOID sex with her in any way as well, even more than you would with The Clinger, because she could have a disease. Stop spreading diseases.
C) …she keeps talking about marriage, children, and a “ticking clock.”
The guy:
A) ...is at the bar by himself.
That’s it.
Both parties should not commit to going home with one another if one of them is wishy-washy and may change his/her mind. Stop playing games about it. These types of people have no business having One Night Stands. You’re either down or you aren’t. There’s no middle ground for a One Nighter. In or Out. Up or Down. Top or Bottom.
You would think most guys would be down with these rules. No. I have never had someone who knew the rules. They all want to stay. Sleep in. Exchange numbers. Have Morning After. Know my NAME.
“When can I see you again?” – these are 6 words that I just dread. 6 words that make the shots they bought me the night before want to come back up and spew all over their mouth for asking such a thing.
NO. NO you may NOT. I am half at fault for my poor judgment of you, not being able to detect a CLINGER.
And if I feel bad for you and give you the number and faintly say “sure…talk to you soon..” and you don’t’ detect the ILL in my voice….and if you don’t realize that your texts/calls all that week go unanswered…you shouldn’t be allowed to let your pene out anywhere. STOP IT. And stop leaving voicemail after voicemail!!!!!!!!!! I don’t answer your texts and I especially don’t want to HEAR YOUR DISGUSTING VOICE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF it was THAT good, and both parties agree (this is rare) that they did make a great judgment call and actually both parties understand all THE RULES thoroughly, then these parties may have sex again, and all One Night Stand rules are Null and Void. You can see each other during summer vacays, or meet secretly in spots of scandal, whatever. You both agree that you are cool with it and NO FEELINGS OR STRINGS ATTACHED. This, again, is rare, but can be done if you have 2 people who are knowledgeable and smart about The Rules.
xo
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