PICTURE IT. HALLOWEEN. 2009 (Oooh girl! Haa-ayy that wasn't that long ago!):
I am gonnnn go ahead and not nickname this guy yet. Let's go on ahead and use his real name since he deserves that for being the biggest moron I've come across in years. Bret. Known to some after Halloween 2009 as, BATMAN.
I'd also like to note that one of my girlfriends (she knows who she is 'cos she was there for this shit show) should add to this story because she tells it probably better than even I can.
BATMAN. BENENENENENEH:
I met Bret on a Monday night at Sharkey's. Eastern Avenue hon. Most of you know Sharkey's. Huge hang out for Baltimore Sports and Social Club for pre and post dranks. I play kickball because I suck at sports.
I go there with Gimpy (a BFF) and wouldn't-ya-know-it, we go there with me going on about Harry Potter no doubt. It was during one of my "I NEED DISTRACTION" phases of last summer. SO actually this was probably late August/early September 2009. I remember it being a Monday only bc when I stalked Batman's FB the next day someone had already posted on his PUBLIC WALL (SIGN NUMBER ONE YOU ARE A DOOFY) "how was Monday Girl?" That stuck because I knew I was Monday Girl. Ok Bret, that's cool, we actually have a lot in common bc I label guys the same way.
ANYYYYYHOO,
He's pregaming for baseball (he's sooo into that) and sends me a drank across the bar. You know, that move. I drink and by the time I ask the bartender who even sent me it, he says "Bret, he'll be back after his game.."
So we are still there and the team comes back and we get to talkin bc this is what..over an hour later and I am sauced. I thank him for the drank, get more dranks out of him, and then we're discussing how we both know my ex Torpedo Driver (ex boyfriend who drove a pizza delivery car at the time..apologies Steve, you probably read my blog haha). and I shoulda seen that RED FLAG ALERT right there since anyone I've ever met who went to Eastern Tech (apologies again, XXL, not you man) is a tool or has some sort of affiliation with other tools or at least has sat in the toolbox once or twice in his life.
Without explaining any further than....Gimpy having to chase me down Eastern Avenue, literally - because I ran off - LITERALLY RAN - with Batman (showing his Caped Crusdader skills from Day ONE) to my house not far from there. Good ol' Robinson..if THOSE WALLS could talk.....summer of 09.............
Gimpy, as she always does (this is prolly about the 5th time) told me NO. DON'T DO IT. DO NOT DO IT.
*
Something happens to me when I have a lot of shots. Something that can not be conquered by Best Friend Advice. The only thing that can conquer me is if I'm so overdone by shots that I pass out before it can happen.
So the next morning.........yeah he's another one of those that didn't get what was originally supposed to be ONE NIGHT. POKE. POKE. I didn't need my alarm clock that day.
Word on the streets from two different peeps on his team is that I'm "the best he ever had." I suppose I should:
1) be flattered, since after we "broke up" I heard he had HAD like 100 somethin.....
2) have presumed that he would still try and come over FOR THAT even after we were finished and he knew I'd made an ass of him on facebook (he deserved it).
3) feel disgusted. And I do.
RED FLAGS FOR BATMAN FOR THE FOLLOWING MONTH LEADING UP TO MEMORABLE HALLOWEEN NIGHT:
1) I came to his house wearing a pink boob-shirt (boob-shirts are you know...tank tops that pritt-ee much show a lot of boobs) and fat pants (fat pants are sweats or any kind of non-binding pants you can wear when yer loungin and especially when you want to stuff your face with everything on the menu at Matthew's pizza, which was what I so kindly brought with me that night) and BATMAN had a problem with the shirt:
"YOU WORE THAT INTO MATTHEW'S PIZZA? YOU LET PEOPLE SEE YOU?"
I guess he knew I wasn't a caped crusader and couldn't scale the wall of Matthew's with a rope to get our food.
ME: "Yes, yes I did. Problem?"
There was one. Batman didn't like me to be in public, I realized soon enough.
2) We were watching the 2009 MTV Music Awards and Beyonce' sang live and he actually says, "I CAN'T BELIEVE JAY LET HER WEAR THAT LIKE THAT.."
Me: "ARE U SERIOUS? ARE U SERIOUS..."
There was more to that convo. but I think you get where it went.
3) I went on two different weekends in September to OC with him. He talked about marriage and kids and what we'd name em.
***If you forget what this list is bc I talk too much, it's a list of RED FLAGS. NUMBER 3 IS A HUGE-EE.***
4) He went to bars with me all the time, met me at the bar, fed me shots to meet me at the bar, yet after a week and every other day after all I heard was "YOU DRINK TOO MUCH."
5) BATMAN: "I don't want you hanging out with my best friend anymore. You are getting too close."
6) Batman went away for a week for baseball. He called every night to make sure I wasn't CHEATING (tho a fone call doesn't stop anyone from that, IDIOT). I did not cheat, thank you very much. Later I found out from two reliable team mates that he fucked a married chick with a kid from another team and some other rando that week. Oh and when he IS HOME he still fkd his ex. Mmmm. Mhm.
Enough red flags for now...as I am sure they go on and on.
Now we will get to the RED FLAG that IS October 31, 2009:
Being the awesome girlfriend that I am (can be), I got us Batman and Batgirl costumes. My roomie's girlfriend was having a party that night and then we were going to hit Federal Hill. All of that indeed did happen.
Other things that happened:
-- In the taxi on the way, me, Bret, and the "best friend I was getting too close to" were talking about costumes or something. Bret looked like a fruit in his Batman costume bc I mean...the underwear on batman are on the outside of his tights, as you all know. That's when it happened. I nonchalantly shared with the group, "I'm not wearing underwear."
---Batman was instant ball of fury and outrage.
"WHAT!?!?! "YOU AREN'T WEARING UNDERWEAR? THAT IS WHORISH!"
Me: "Well, and actually - I rarely EVER wear underwear."
Batman: "WHAT???????? NO GIRLFIREND OF MINE IS GOING TO WALK AROUND WITHOUT UNDERWEAR! GIRLS WHO DON'T WEAR UNDERWEAR ARE WHORES! THAT MAKES YOU A WHORE!"
Best Friend: "DUDE. CALM DOWN. She is not a whore.."
Batman: "SHUT UP AND STAY OUT OF IT!!"
Me: "Are you insane..? I will wear whatever the poop I want.."
PAUSE - we'd had this discussion many boob shirts in public ago....
never did come to an agreement....
UNPAUSE:
So the argument continues and now the Cab Driver looks concerned and he is TOTALLY TEAM COMMANDO I could tell.
We get out of the car with still unfinished UNDIE business and before we walk into the party and embarrass me I pull him to the side and ask him to please not argue with me, we're supposed to be having FUN, this is RIDICULOUS...
Best friend backs me up, but Bret disregards that bc WE ARE TOO CLOSE or WHATEVER. U'd think a guy would want you to be friends with his friends....I wonder if Batman got pissed when Robin had coffee with Batgirl.
ANYWAY, party goes pretty smoothly (besides the fact that it's a complete bore) - and we go to Federal Hill not long after and this time I'm joined by BFF (who I mentioned was witness to the entire event) and we are walking to Mother's...
Batman has to pee so he pees in an alley. I stand to keep WATCH for popo and he starts arguing with ME about how I AM A WHORE while HE'S PISSING IN PUBLIC IN A BATMAN COSTUME.
Needless to say (but I will) - we argue the whole way to Mother's and he storms ahead with his best friend in anger because as we stand in line at Mother's I flat out say: "YOU ARE CRAZY. I DON'T WEAR UNDERWEAR AND I WILL CONTINUE TO NOT WEAR UNDERWEAR. "
I also inform him that it does NOT make me a whore. That it would make me a whore if I slept with every guy I met ... which... really was what I found he seemed to be doing with every hussy he met..
INCIDENTALLY - THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT SOMEONE - WHEN U FIND THAT OUT AND IT DOESN'T GIVE YOU ANY SORT OF FEELINGS AT ALL. I FELT NOTHING WHEN I FOUND THAT OUT EXCEPT FOR MORE AMUSEMENT.
He ends up storming out of Mother's once we are all in because he's in a hissyfit of rage that I won't budge. OH OH!! I ALMOST FORGOT THE MAIN PART OF THAT!! ------
Batman: "I want you to start wearing underwear, if this is ever going to work."
Of course since this is laffable in every way, BFF and I laff.
He says, "Then I can't be with you. NO GIRLFRIEND OF MINE.."
Blah blah.
So BFF and I float on over to Dog Pub in all the Halloween madness that is Fed Hill on Halloween and we're standing there by the door after about ten minutes inside of creepers, gropers and this really scarey-masked guy who is freaking us the hell out and doing it more on purpose when BFF tells him he is......
Then we see Batman, standing to my left................
"SO this is what you are deciding. You are really going to keep being a WHORE.."
I guess that was his way of sweet talkin me back into theengs.
And this part I don't recall exactly but as I said, BFF does. I was about to leave you in suspense and say TO BE CONTINUED...and let her leave it in the comments, but I'll try my best:
I told him no way am I changing who I am for him, that it's not even a discussion, that he is absurd..
"FINE!!!!!!! GIVE ME YOUR HOUSE KEYS SO I CAN GO GET MY THEEENGS!"
ME: "Fine, here you are.. just give them to (his best friend) when you're done."
Batman: "FINE! YOU ARE MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE! YOU ARE A WHORE!!!!!!!"
this was not spoken softly..
was not said in a monotone...
was not even in a slightly raised voice to get over the noise of the crowd...
no no,
this was YELLED across Dog Pub in a crowd of hundreds....
And as he yelled it, he whipped around and I swear to you it was like he slightly flew a few feet off the ground....
whipped around and his cape flipped back behind him and fluttered into the wind as he made his dramatic turn out the door of Dog Pub, looking like a real man in his Batman costume, with underwear OUT, and knee-high sock boots that were actually PART OF THE COSTUME, just an OPTICAL ILLUSION of sock boots, sticking his chest out with the bat on the front............
- (We could enjoy our night once Batman pumped his fist in the air and stormed out of the bar).
Later that night, as his best friend and I stumbled into my front door (again, if those Robinson Street walls could talk!!! We found a NOTE:
"Dear Laurie,
If you continue to not wear underwear in public and dress like a whore, you will never find a good guy. I will give your clothes to (best friend) next week.
Love,
Bret"
I actually did end up losing the note bc I took it to JD's bar one night for some major laughs at his expense and left it there. I'm pretty sure it went like that, BUT, the funniest part was the formality. "Love, Bret."
Like...
Dearest Love,
You're a whore and I hope you get run over by an 18 Wheeler.
Love Always and Best Wishes,
Bret <3
I mean..........................
So the next morning at Rite Aid while I shopped uncaringly and free of Batman drama, he texted me and requested that I delete him from FB because he wasn't near a computer. I told him to go Fuck himself and leave me alone.
OH RED FLAG ALERT FROM EARLIER, THAT REMINDS ME:
He was VERY WEIRD about FB and kept asking me to change my RELATIONSHIP STATUS TO "IN A RELATIONSHIP" and I said "no." I said "No, and if you want it so bad then YOU do it." HE HAD THIS WEIRD WEIRD WEIIIIIIIRD thing about how he wanted me to be the REQUESTER.
I NEVER did ... he ended up doing it. I remember not wanting to accept it bc I was emburrrrrsed bc that kind of thing is always emburrrrrrrrsing to do.
ANYWAY,
So Sunday Funday (the next day) he's begging forgiveness on the phone and this is great...
On the way to JD's for Ravens game I am telling some friends the story of Halloween night and I didn't realize it but my phone hit send and he had been LAST CALL and he heard all the laughter at his expense from my cell phone sitting on the passenger floor in front of me.......
Still he called and we all liistened to his pathetic apology voicemails for a few days.
Then he came knockin at my door twice that week and texting me to just please let him "sleep" at my place because he was too drunk to drive.
SHOULDA THOUGHTA THAT EARLIER DIPSHIT.
Weeks later, I realize he has my CD book from my wasted weekend drives to OC with him for his stupid baseball games and I text him for it and he tells me "OH YOU ONLY TEXT WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING.."
Um, yeah, I want my CD's.
Then he tells me what a WHORE I am and how all I'm good for is sex and how he doesn't want my GIRLIE CD's and I'm like good so what's the prob...give them back...
He says he will when he wants to, that this is not a priority for him.
I guess being Batman 'n all, you have to fight danger and rescue folks from The Penguin or whatever you do.
I got my CDs back months later from his best friend.
I also got a friend request last month from Batman. That was a "DENY" I denied so much that I denied with my entire body.
I do remember him every time I open my make-up drawer and see the unopened boxes of face paint he was originally going to use when he was going to dress as THE JOKER instead.
Maybe that woulda been more fitting. :)
xo
My friends input, directly from her comment:
"This night will provide years and years of laughter for all of us, so really we should all give BRET a big, BIG thank you for his ultimate douchebaggy antics…
So as BFF witness I do have some great memories from that night….
So I meet you at that lame ass “party” with like 6 people inside, which I was not “allowed” to come inside b/c the girl throwing it was afraid I’d steal her man away or something (b/c she’s a HFD), anywho so you you come out to meet me and Batman wasn’t far behind b/c he couldn’t let you out of his sight for a half second.
He promptly comments on my boobies popping out (it was Halloween folks!)and before he even says hello, I hear “Those HAVE to be fake!” To which I replied “uh, nope…all me.” So he suddenly finds it appropriate to “test” them for himself.
So obviously at that point we’re already having “fun.”
His BFF & I end up walking ahead while Batman pees and continues to harass Batgirl about her undie situation and how she’s a big whore, etc, etc…
We get to the bar and Batman pulls me aside to have the following delightful conversation with me:
Batman: Seriously! You gotta tell her she needs to change or this is OVER!”
Me: Buddy, you need to calm down, it’s not that big of a deal, talk about it later instead of ruining the night.
Batman: You understand though, right? Only whore don’t wear underwear! You agree with me?
Me: (sigh! Oh boy…here we go…) No Bret, I don’t. I’m not wearing any either. I don’t think it means a girl is a whore, I think it means she enjoys a free breezy kinda feelin.
Batman: Jesus Christ! That figures!!
At this point, Laurie returns from the bathroom I believe and they continue to get into it until we book it outta there for Dog Pub! Leaving Batman standing alone in the shadows, jaw clenched and a tear in his eye, whispering “whores” under his breath…
Back at Dog Pub,us girls are havin fun finally! Talkin to cute boys (I say boys b/c they were all like 21 in there, it Fed Hill!) and being scared by some rando creeper…
We’re at the bar, about to order beers, laughing about Bret, chatting with people, when suddenly there was a dark presence…We turned around to find BATMAN towering over us, a furious look on his face…he leans in to “you’re a whore, need clothes, key, blah blah blah…” Then he gets right up in Batgirl’s face, his neck veins are popping and his face all red, and screams so loud that her Batgirl masks wiggled a bit from the force. “You’re a Whore!!! FUUUUCKKK YOUUUUUUUUU!” The entire bar heard him.
He then turned around and literally flew out the door, cape flapping, crying and talking to himself.
Legend has it that he’s still roaming those streets, costume all tattered and dirty…mumbling to himself about underwear and whores….
LOL!! …good times."
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